Writing and More Writing

Spent this week doing more writing. I was struggling to find a way to get my thoughts down in a consistent location since they hit me at random times, and I wanted to record them as quickly as possible. I tried a few different methods that didn't really work before stumbling upon the idea to use post it notes. They're small enough to carry around, and also don't have a lot of room so my thoughts have to be concise rather than rambling. Since switching to this way of writing, I've found I can write faster, and end up with more varied content since I'm not looking at previous thoughts when recording new ones. I'll be continuing this way as I continue to write more down, but will also be typing up current thoughts and editing them in the process at the same time, as well as following through with illustrations and sketches to accompany them now that I have a substantial amount to choose from. I doubt I will use all of them, but figured it was better to have a surplus to choose from rather than agonizing over only a few. Sketches will be inbound next week, as well as new writing. I will also be taking the sketches and trying a few different sizes/dimensions for them to see how I might like to layout the text and image in book form, and if the different dimensions affect the overall mood of the book.

Below are some of the ones from this week I most liked, with the text in the captions in case my handwriting is difficult to make out. Though I will admit I kind of like the raw quality of them being handwritten, and I might consider using it in some way as I proceed with my work, just not sure exactly how yet.

Showing the post-its from this week spread out on my desk.

Bees are a goddamn nightmare. The only thing that gives my heart more of a workout than public speaking is the tiny little black & yellow cottontails w/ wings. Or worse, wasps. I've been stung 3 time in my life - each time because I didn't see the bee & accidentally hit or squished it. I realize it's just self defense - I'd sting someone too if they suddenly crushed me - but it doesn't stop me from booking ass down the road @ the first passing "buzz".

Every time I see dogs wearing those yellow vests saying "Nervous", I can't help but wonder if it'd be a good idea to get myself a shirt proclaiming the same thing. Maybe then people would know to approach with caution.

My body must have more coffee/tea than water in it by now. I'm never not tired. I can sleep for 3 hours or 13, & I'll wake up equally fatigued. I used to think it came from nocturnal habits & not being a "morning person", but I realize now that I mentally wear myself out starting from the moment my alarm goes off daily.

Knowing you are the cause of own mother's grief is a hard thing to carry. Hearing her cry at 6 in the morning over the loss of her child who was woken by her tears is one of the hardest things I've ever endured. Even having come well beyond that point, nothing ever eases the guilt gnawing at a corner of my heart for the pain & shock that broke my mom's strong and optimistic spirit, no matter how briefly.

What even is small talk? On a fundamental level, I understand it's purpose, but I can't for the life of me figure out how to respond to another inane comment about the weather.

Relating to existentially nihilistic memes on the internet is probably not the healthiest coping mechanism, but if I don't find something to laugh about, I think I would just fall apart.

I'm shaking again. I can never tell if it's the nerves or the caffeine in my bloodstream. I can't sit still, pen twitching rapidly between my agitated fingers, eyes darting everywhere but where they need to be. A cold sweat breaks on my palms & I wonder once more why existing in a space with others is a valid trigger for fight or flight reactions.